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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Loner~ was, is and will always be.........

Now that I am less angry than yesterday... I try to forgive, at least, a part of me told me that it was just a silly joke and I was over sensitive. Maybe... if it was really not worth it, I wont be troubled by the matter till now. Dunno why I just cant let go.

Yup... that's me, bringing trouble and sorrow upon myself all the time. Living in my own shadow... But that's me. Sometimes, I try to avoid and escape, so that my emotions will not sink in too deep, so that when it ends, I wont feel the pain. But.. no matter how I try, I always feel the pain. It's painful, but it doesnt go numb, it just became part of me...

I guess that's what chinese say " Zhi4 Zuo4 Nie4", bringing sorrow upon myself, all the time. Ironically, that's maybe one of the few ways that I can remind myself that I am still human ( at least a part of me is), that I still have a soul that can feel, no matter how rotten my soul is...

I do have some happy moments, but my life seems so much more sad than happy. I worry too much, or so they say. That I want my physical age to freeze, that my heart rides a thousand waves just looking at ppl, so much highs and lows... I am really.... living in a world of my own.

There were times when I am so sad, that I want to cry but couldnt, that I want to write a poem about it but couldnt, that I want to shout it out but couldnt, that I want a shoulder to lean on, but realised that others need more help than I do....

Nevertheless, one day, I will wither away, just like all things that will come to an end. Maybe soon, maybe later. I just hope that when it happens, I will carry along all the sorrow and worries of the ppl I love, and be buried with them together, so that my loved ones wont have to suffer.

Love You 9:46 PM

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